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The job of parents is not to protect their child from the challenges of life, but to lead them through – offers support and tools for help them grow in hard times.
As a child life specialist and therapistI have worked with thousands of children and families dealing with illness, trauma, grief and loss. I observe the words and actions that reveal that a child is learning to cope effectively with the inevitable difficulties of life.
It’s not about staying calm or avoiding tears. It is about using strategies and skills to manage, tolerate and reduce stress when it arises. That is why children cope well tend to have high emotional intelligence. They are good at identifying their feelings and using positive strategies to manage their emotions.
Listen to these six things you can hear children with high emotional intelligence say:
1. “It’s okay to be sad”
Children with high emotional intelligence probably have trusted adults who taught them that it’s okay to cry and that all feelings are okay.
They know that it is natural to feel sad, angry, frustrated or worried in response to difficult situations. In the same way, they learned that it is good to have happy, cheerful or playful moments even in hard times.
2. “I need space”
Children with healthy coping skills can recognize and manage their emotions. They know the warning signs—rapid thoughts, a fast heartbeat, tense muscles, or a knot in their stomach—and feel comfortable asking for what they need.
They can go to their “coping angle“to give them time and space to use their pre-planned tools. For example, they could take a pinwheel or blow bubbles to help them breathe deeply.
They likely learned these skills by watching their parents model self-regulation and open communication.
3. “Are you okay?”
Emotionally intelligent children can recognize emotions in othersas well. They understand that adults and children can have great feelings during difficult times, and that everyone copes differently.
They may be the first to recognize that when they know friend is upset, they may need space or a hug and that’s okay.
Empathy towards others comes naturally to them and they show ease and comfort in hearing the other’s perspective, respecting their needs and working together.
They understand that even when their parent is emotional, they can still be loved, cared for and safe.
4. “I don’t like…”
The children who practiced set boundaries because how they want to be treated they tend to have a high emotional intelligence. They can communicate effectively their needs, wants and feelings while being sensitive to the other person.
They may say, “I don’t like it when you use my stuff without asking,” or “I don’t like knowing what to expect.” Or you may hear other statements that begin with:
- “I’m not good with…”
- “I don’t want to talk about…”
- “I don’t think it’s nice/funny when…”
They are also thought to respect the needs of their peers and siblings.
5. “I made a mistake”
This phrase indicates that a child is self-reflective and free from shame. Instead of being afraid to make or admit mistakes, they are able to speak up and solve problems to improve the situation or circumstance.
They also recognize what they could do better or differently because they know that mistakes are like us grow, learn and develop through challenges.
6. “I have an idea”
Confidence and creativity in problem solving are signs of emotional intelligence and healthy coping. Children who have faced difficult situations have learned to work together with their peers and trusted adults to find reasonable solutions or ways forward.
They feel confident expressing their opinions, ideas and qualities, while listening and learning from others.
When children navigate obstacles and consequences in a safe environment, they can develop decision-making skills and flexibility, while also cultivating emotional awareness and self-esteem.
It starts with you
If your kids don’t say these things, don’t worry. Emotional intelligence and coping skills take time to develop and often begin with parenting.
Just start by saying these things to yourself. Children learn best from what is modeled for them.
Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides personalized support, guidance and resources to parents, families and communities affected by medical conditions, trauma, pain and the stresses of daily life. She is the owner of a private practice, mother of two children, the creator and author of The Workbook Methodand the Chief Clinical Officer of the non-profit organization Pickles Group.
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